What Personal Life?

As all of these events were taking place, I soon realized that mom would need to be monitored and supervised on a greater scale. It became increasingly apparent that my time away from my job would eventually be more problematic. As it was, I had already taken what was left of my vacation time from work, and had to enroll in Family Medical Leave (FMLA) in order to be available at home. While my brother, and to some extent my sister, were doing their best to help out, I knew that it would not be enough and would prove to be more taxing on their own personal lives. As it was, mom really did not want their help as much as she wanted mine. While she obviously needed to have family members around to help, mom still had issues with her other kids that she would not get over--even under the circumstances. As a result, I had the difficult and daunting task of trying to persuade mom to agree to a private caregiver.

At first, I sought the help of the hospice team, but soon found out that they could only address the medical aspects of mom's care. They really did not have the capacity to arrange for more personal care. It turns out that hospice is paid for through Medicare, and anything else is up to the family and their financial ability. So...I began the arduous task of searching for a caregiver.

I did a lot of research on the subject of care-giving, and what I found was mind blowing. All of the companies and franchises available looked great until I factored-in the overall costs. On an hourly basis, the minimums ranged from $13.00 to $17.00, which equates to $130.00 to $170.00 for a ten hour day. When I computed this on a monthly basis, it was staggering! Mom did not have much money and had absolutely no life insurance or anything that could be helpful. Since I knew that I had to do something, and soon, I decided to try out a couple of options, just to see how it might work out.

My first option was to try out the help of a friend who had a private caregiver. She was an older Slavic woman, with a thick accent, who dressed like she just came from a party. I left her alone for a couple of hours with mom. When I came back, the woman was scared out of her wits. Apparently, mom did NOT like this woman. Mom grabbed a soup ladle and chased this poor lady all around the place. Looking back, it was kinda humorous, but it was not funny to me at the time since I really hoped that the arrangement would work out.

My next option was to try out a service that was provided through a retirement community in the area. Their initial cost for the first hour of every visit was $25.00, and $15.00 per hour afterward. I really had no real choices, and I was getting desperate for help, and I knew that I would have to swallow the costs involved. I sat down and tried to seriously talk to my mother about the necessity of needing a caregiver, and eventually she gave in, though hesitantly. I decided to try it out for 5 hours a day at first, staying within distance "just in case". For every day that a caregiver was arranged, it was always someone different, which did not help matters much. Mom had her "favorites", and then there were "the others" who she really disliked and would be totally uncooperative. In one case, mom managed to slip past the caregiver, shot through the entrance door and out into a drenching rainstorm. The poor caregiver had to grab her before she ran into the street as she was screaming out at the top of her lungs that she was "being killed". While it was frustrating, I had more "talks" with mom and begged her to try and cooperate. It took some time, but she eventually gave in. I was getting scared and more exhausted by the day.

When I had some "free" time, I would go out into our yard, talk to God for help, and cry...a lot! My brother was a great help to me as a shoulder to cry on and to bounce thoughts and ideas offgof. The rest of my family could not, or just would not help out with the situation, and that was my biggest heartbreak. I thank God for the hospice staff, though. They were very caring and helpful, talking me through my more trying moments. But overall, I felt very alone.